Anecdotes, humorous quotes & law humor - Attorney, Norman E. Reitz

"I'm very sorry, Mr. Settlor; it's too late now to change the terms of your trust."

COURT ATTENDANT (AT END OF FIFTH DAY): "WELL, GENTLEMEN, TWELVE DINNERS AS USUAL, I SUPPOSE?

FOREMAN (MEANINGLY): "MAKE IT ELEVEN DINNERS, OFFICER, AND ONE BALE OF HAY."

To my dear friend Mrs. George Hale, I give and bequeath the satisfaction of being remembered in my Will; and I leave my lawyer, Huber Lewis, the task of explaining to my relatives why they didn't get a million dollars apiece.

--from the Will of Edwin O. Swain, who died penniless

The key here, I think, is not to think of death as an end, but to think of it as a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.

--Woody Allen

I want it that mine brother Adolph be my executor and I want it that the judge should please make Adolph put up plenty bond and watch him like hell. Adolph is a good business man but only a dumpkoff would trust him with a busted pfennig.

--from the Will of Herman Oberweiss

To my son I leave the pleasure of earning a living. For twenty years he thought the pleasure was mine.

--from the Will of the Marquis d'Aligre

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney. "Because I want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.

A minister settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it true," said the minister, "that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?" "I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer. "People in your profession look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."

THE JOLLY TESTATOR WHO MAKES HIS OWN WILL

Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees,
And who need a good many to live at your ease,
Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree,
Plain stuff or Queen's Counsel, take counsel of me:
When a festive occasion your spirit unbends,
You should never forget the profession's best friends;
So we'll send round the wine, and a light bumper fill
To the jolly testator who makes his own will.

He premises his wish and his purpose to save
All dispute among friends when he's laid in the grave;
Then he straightway proceeds more disputes to create
Than a long summer's day would give time to relate.
He writes and erases, he blunders and blots,
He produces such puzzles and Gordian knots,
That a lawyer, intending to frame the thing ill,
Couldn't match the testator who makes his own will.

Testators are good, but a feeling more tender
Springs up when I think of the feminine gender!
The testatrix for me, who, like Telemaque's mother,
Unweaves at one time what she wove at another;
She bequeaths, she repeats, she recalls a donation,
And ends by revoking her own revocation;
Still scribbling or scratching some new codicil,
Oh! Success to the woman who makes her own will.

Tisn't easy to say, 'mid her varying vapors,
What scraps should be deemed testamentary papers.
Tisn't easy from these her intention to find,
When perhaps she herself never knew her own mind.
Every step that we take, there arises fresh trouble:
Is the legacy lapsed? Is it single or double?
No customer brings so much grist to the mill
As the wealthy old woman who makes her own will.

--Lord Neaves

JTR: j 10-25-74



"I'm very sorry, Mr. Settlor; it's too late now to change the terms of your trust."	COURT ATTENDANT (AT END OF FIFTH DAY): "WELL, GENTLEMEN, TWELVE DINNERS AS USUAL, I SUPPOSE? FOREMAN (MEANINGLY): "MAKE IT ELEVEN DINNERS, OFFICER, AND ONE BALE OF HAY."

To my dear friend Mrs. George Hale, I give and bequeath the satisfaction of being remembered in my Will; and I leave my lawyer, Huber Lewis, the task of explaining to my relatives why they didn't get a million dollars apiece. --from the Will of Edwin O. Swain, who died penniless
The key here, I think, is not to think of death as an end, but to think of it as a very effective way to cut down on your expenses. --Woody Allen
I want it that mine brother Adolph be my executor and I want it that the judge should please make Adolph put up plenty bond and watch him like hell. Adolph is a good business man but only a dumpkoff would trust him with a busted pfennig. --from the Will of Herman Oberweiss
To my son I leave the pleasure of earning a living. For twenty years he thought the pleasure was mine. --from the Will of the Marquis d'Aligre
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death." "Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney. "Because I want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.
A minister settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it true," said the minister, "that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?" "I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer. "People in your profession look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one."
THE JOLLY TESTATOR WHO MAKES HIS OWN WILL
Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees, And who need a good many to live at your ease, Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree, Plain stuff or Queen's Counsel, take counsel of me: When a festive occasion your spirit unbends, You should never forget the profession's best friends; So we'll send round the wine, and a light bumper fill To the jolly testator who makes his own will.
He premises his wish and his purpose to save All dispute among friends when he's laid in the grave; Then he straightway proceeds more disputes to create Than a long summer's day would give time to relate. He writes and erases, he blunders and blots, He produces such puzzles and Gordian knots, That a lawyer, intending to frame the thing ill, Couldn't match the testator who makes his own will.
Testators are good, but a feeling more tender Springs up when I think of the feminine gender! The testatrix for me, who, like Telemaque's mother, Unweaves at one time what she wove at another; She bequeaths, she repeats, she recalls a donation, And ends by revoking her own revocation; Still scribbling or scratching some new codicil, Oh! Success to the woman who makes her own will.
Tisn't easy to say, 'mid her varying vapors, What scraps should be deemed testamentary papers. Tisn't easy from these her intention to find, When perhaps she herself never knew her own mind. Every step that we take, there arises fresh trouble: Is the legacy lapsed? Is it single or double? No customer brings so much grist to the mill As the wealthy old woman who makes her own will. --Lord Neaves
JTR: j 10-25-74